On patience and roots {+ Some thoughts on being 28. Or twenty-something}

A big part of what influences us all as we grow up is the influence that our immediate surrounding has on us. For the most part, this immediate surrounding comprises of our parents and friends. My parents have naturally had, what I feel, the strongest influence on me. As a daughter of an earnest man, an oncologist who strived hard to establish himself, and a lovely, patient mother with a love for language and books, I found a wonderful balance between the two. I grew to love the art of medicine as a little girl, alongside William Wordsworth poems, learning to enjoy the rain and not to live by the ticking of the clock. My career decisions were distilled from long conversations with my mother as a teenager. She has the patience of a rock and the wisdom of a hundred saints, and I owe all of who I am to her. The flip side to patience is that sometimes, you do not know where to draw the line and you end up tolerating what you shouldn't but I admit - patience is a hard thing to inculcate, but it a huge strength to have. In a world where everything is finite and defined by the clock or the calendar, including our lives, it can be quite hard to remember what patience feels like.


Many twenty-somethings are in an existential crisis.

It is almost a need to be somewhere before it escapes us, fulfill something before we run out of gas, a race against time like there isn't enough. Not too long ago, I went through an existential crisis. Just like every twenty-something, I wasn't sure about what I wanted from life. I started flowing with the current of competition, trying my best to be seen, to be heard, to date, to do more, to achieve more, to have more, to travel as many places as I could as soon as I could - however, what I sensed inside me was an immense amount of resistance to this. There was a part of me that sensed that something was clearly wrong, and my homeostasis was muddy. I needed to get a hold of this situation. Why was I running with the crowd when I'd heard a distant drummer all my life ? Some call it the spirit, some call it the emotional GPS, or the guidance - what I did feel was that my guidance had left me bare open to the fact that I was trying to do something that was not "me". I was trying to wind things up, move faster, rush, compete - and this was so far away from the patience I loved and worshipped as a child and a teenager, this was so far away from the peaceful life I dreamt of, the people whose lives I want to touch, the small cottage I want to live in, always being around the friends and family that I want to remain close to; the slower, lesser, simpler life that I craved was slipping away as I got caught up in a world of competition.

Credit : Brene Brown

I was that at a point of disconnect, and the only way I found to move closer to myself was to prioritize myself.

I started putting my career ahead of everything. While my dream is to enjoy what I do for a living, to have a wonderful man for a husband, to be his rock, to raise children who will be a blessing to this planet, I realized I don't need to speed things up, I dont need to be married now. I don't need to have a ring around my finger or a million dollar home I can call mine, and if that's what defines how successful one is, then I'd rather run the risk of being an underdog.

I don't want to treat my life as a checklist. And the same goes for you. Don't run behind a job that pays for your billion dollar mortgage for your home in Beverly Hills but works you like a slave. Wouldn't you rather be with the man or woman you love and spend time with your children in a quiet corner of the world doing what makes your heart light ? Wouldn't you rather teach your children he most valuable lessons - happiness and contentment ? We don't need to do something because everyone does it or when others do it. Even as I say this, there's a big part of my conditioned mind that tells me that the clock is ticking.

Why a sense of the clock ticking ?

As mortals, we have a constant fear of missing out. Brene Brown calls it "FOMO" in her books, 'Daring greatly' and 'Rising strong'. Human beings are subject to constant criticism when they miss out on what is perceived by a majority as successful. They are seen as flawed, as inefficient, as unable to keep up. Then there's the fear of not being able to keep up - so on and so forth, and in the process of a million judgements we lose track of where we come from.

Credit : Brene Brown, author of "daring greatly" and "rising strong"

So is success the acquisition of what the world thinks or the lack thereof ?

To define your success by someone else's definition, or the world's definition, is the surest way to be dissatisfied. Does it even make sense to define your success through someone else's definition? It's hard to define success, but if you can relate it to how content you are, you're not far away from the truth. While striving to be better, do better, let's strive to be better than none but the version of ourselves from yesterday.

Career, friendships, relationships, marriage and children are the most meaningful and beautiful things to happen to us. They are what we create, they are what we put our hearts into, they are what we allow to define us. How dynamic these things are in our world, depends on how dynamic we make them. They blossom with patience.

Wait for whatever it is that makes you know 'this is it'. I promise you, that FOMO is not even real. How young you are when you buy your first house is not a measure of how happy you are. That you did something better than someone else is no way to measure your worth. I promise there's more happiness in holding someone's hand when you tell them that you'll be there for them, there's more contentment in time spent with your parents, among children and older people and playing with your dog than there ever can be in scrambling your way up a ladder that is completely imaginary. Wondering who had the fancier vacation, defeats the very purpose of a a vacation. That you should have a 'someone significant' right here, right now because your best friend is married is no way to live life. It's okay if you're still getting there. It's okay if you're not getting there, if you're nowhere close. Find the career that is right for you, that you love, one that loves you back and treats you well. Patience and love will make you vulnerable, but base your friendships and relationships on them, please. Let your guard down. Let that guy know you want things to work, let that girl know that you'll do what it takes to keep her. If your job takes you three continents and four oceans away from home, so be it. If life is really short, it's only too short to worry about the what ifs or how the world lives. If there's anything you want to win against, win against fear. You'll be better off for it.

Wishing you so much love and goodness ♥︎

Aarthi

What happens when friends fall in love with each other AKA Koy-no-yokan [+ some thoughts on loss, vulnerability & finding ourselves]

You're friends with someone. For years. What happens when friends fall in love with each other ?

You've known her for years. She's a friend of a friend you became good friends with, the girl you've always wanted to get closer to.
He's the guy you've always wondered what it would be like to be in love with. You know there's familiarity in his arms, but you never tried or gave it a thought, till now.
She dated other people. He dated other people. You had your friendship going.
You spoke to him from time to time. You love the way he thinks.
You love her pictures, they make you smile. You love how she tells you little things about her life.

An occasional thought crossed your mind "He's a nice guy, but..." But, so many things.
But he has different plans, our futures are different. But he probably likes someone. But we probably don't want similar things; are all the thoughts that go through your mind.

You've felt too unprepared o think of a future. Too young. A fleeting thought, one that makes you jump, crosses your mind. "She's wonderful. I wonder what it would be like to have a family with her. But..." The question never arose as to how.  But she probably likes someone more available and closer. But maybe her goals are different and we are different people; are all the thoughts your mind throws at you.

The thought still made you jump.

What happens when friends fall in love with each other ? I don't know.

Right from Don Miguel Ruiz who says "Your mind is dreaming all the time, whether you are awake or asleep and that's all the mind does." to Paulo Coelho who says "And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.", we live on the "edge of desire" like John Mayer sings. We live in the midst of the swing of a pendulum. Sometimes on the edge, sometimes smack in the middle of it. Contrasting ideas, wise people. Miguel Ruiz and Paulo Coelho state their own truths in very different words and ways, to convey how very uncertain life is.

Ideas and illustrations by yours truly

What happens when you get deeper insight into uncertainty ? What happens when you become vulnerable ? What happens when you love, when you are uncertain about the outcome ?

What I do know is that the certainty of a concrete, existing relationship of any kind might as well be replaced with the uncertainty of a relationship that isn't quite one. We think certainty and uncertainty are at opposite ends of the spectrum, but they are not. There is quite an overlap and coexistence between the two. Certainty is what try to we create - it's against the current. Uncertainty on the other hand, is something we all must get used to. We change with the minute, the moment. We create relationships. We give those relationships meanings. We draw a future in our minds with if's and then's. We end relationships. We create new ones.

I know I fell in love a few years ago and it was with a guy who loved me a lot. A friend of mine saw my picture with him from my final year in med school and said to me that he saw "love" in my eyes, in my smile. I smiled, because I knew it was true. I was in love with life, with myself, with my boyfriend. We called it a relationship. We were together for four years and spoke about a future. We traveled together, we studied together, we went to college together, started a non-profit together, listened to music, enjoyed similar interests, and it was beautiful. It was certain that we spoke about a future, but it came apart over a seemingly short span of time.

Were we scared ? What scared us ? Commitment ? The lack of it ? Youth ? Expectations ? Or the lack thereof ? Did we grow apart ? Did we want similar things before and different things now ? I could never figure. This wasn't heartbreak for me. I moved on from this relationship.

Ideas and illustrations by yours truly

The real heartbreak came when I fell in love with someone who wasn't sure about anything - his life, his present, his future or his feelings. I allowed myself to be in a relationship that made me feel a total loss of value for myself. We only experience what we allow ourselves to experience, and the mind is pretty good at telling itself lies about a hundred reasons you should be stuck in a relationship that fails to serve you. I never realized till recently that there would come a day when I could objectively talk about it.

This experience in my life was so important, because it taught me everything I know about love and myself. I learned that we have been taught to feel ashamed of vulnerability. We recognize the feeling of vulnerability here - being the one to declare love, as a weakness. We refuse to own it, we feel pain when we talk about the sense of loss in uncertainty we felt or a lack of what we perceive as reciprocation. We refuse to own it, not because it defines us - but because we let it define us, we let it define our worth. We disown parts of us that remind us of our vulnerability, little realizing that powerlessness lies in denial of our story. My friends have asked me if ever we can get over longing and heartbreak - the way I see it, 'longing' can in these situations, prolong suffering and prevent us from wholly starting our lives with something new and beautiful. While it's true that rejection can hurt, I will tell you for sure something that is the absolute truth and not a consolation of any kind - it is really not so much a loss for you as you think it might be. When you value yourself you will do whatever it takes to find your power back and be happy again, by the time you have learned what you need to learn about yourself and get to being a very valuable, happy version of yourself, you will not want that person anymore. Chances are, you may never want them again. We always want a reflection of what's going on inside us - and if it's worth and value we feel inside, then that's we seek and find. If didn't receive those in a relationship with someone, it's unlikely that we feel attracted to that person anymore when we recover our sense of worthiness and belonging. It's ironic but it's the hard truth, and I can testify to this.

After much insight into my own reactions and emotions, and plenty of reading and reflecting on my own relationships, I realized that certainty and uncertainty overlap tremendously; that time is a factor in everything, that the only thing differentiating between them is our perspective.

Ideas and illustrations by yours truly

What had seemed certain in my life at one point ended, and a fairly uncertain relationship made me gravitate with certainty and clarity towards things I wanted to see in my life partner - a rooted person, someone who works hard and sees the little joys of life, who wants a lot from their life, someone who is honest, intelligent, who believes they are worthy of love and belonging. I recognized that these are the qualities I love in myself and hence they are the very qualities I would also love in the opposite person. Heartbreak brings earth shattering reality and clarity to our minds and hearts and gives birth to us as a fresh blossom.

What love will turn out to be, is unpredictable. It is a different experience for each one of us and try as we may, we can never know the experience of another, we can only know our own. What it is therefore, is perspective.

What changes when friends fall in love with each other ? Perspective. Perspective changes expectations, behavior, feelings toward ourselves. And what you perceived with an objective mind and heart when you were just friends, you now see through rose-tinted glasses. To begin with, it's never them, it's you.

What I also know is that I can fall in love again. Bigger and deeper. With the wisdom that it is okay to love and let be. The certainty of a "relationship" cannot be guaranteed and the uncertainty of what isn't a "relationship" cannot be guaranteed.

Uncertainty, change, keeping our hearts open, wanting to give someone our love - these are inevitable once you blossom. These feelings are what vulnerability is made of. And as Brene Brown beautifully writes, this vulnerability is the birthplace for love, happiness, belonging, creativity, human connection, potential relationships. It is also the birthplace for fears, shame, confusion, questioning, doubt. I wouldn't bet by certainty, but I would boldly say that if you can learn to live happily and lean into that uncertainty, you will inevitably end up with joy and love.

Vulnerability in love is a lot of yin and yang. You risk not having reciprocation, but you also have a big, beautiful chance at the experience of love and human connection.

Now for the really, really beautiful part.

I can tell you that someday you may discover this sense of Koi no yokan. I recently came across this Japanese term, which really has no good substitute in English but I can tell you that it's a familiar instinct, an inner knowing.

It might happen with someone you just met. With a stranger. And what's scary is, it might happen with someone you've known for a long time - with a friend. What happens when friends fall in love with each other ? I don't know.

I'm a sucker for all things magic. I will tell you that rum in your coffee is crazy but it tastes great. I will tell you that you do infact receive what you truly believe in, provided it serves your higher good. I think love is scary, but I also think it's phenomenal - I wish you experience all of the beauty that life has to offer.

Much love + many hugs ♥︎
Aarthi

What are thoughts? [A.K.A. Why love starts from within + Some thoughts on what it means to find ourselves]

I sat in my car for a long time this evening, in the parking lot thinking to myself what had made this day remarkably different. I could hear myself think in the quiet warmth of my car as it snowed outside. I couldn't tell if it was the most beautiful snow I've seen or if it was the most moving conversation I've had about post traumatic growth earlier today with my boss or whether it was about hearing from a friend about how she is doing really well taking it one day at a time through a difficult time in her life. I could tell it's a beautiful day, but that's not what was overwhelming me.

"I learned the most beautiful thing today - the power of human resilience." I texted my friend.

I spent some time today recreating Lynda Barry's sketch on 'What are thoughts?'

'What are thoughts ?' the question echoed ironically in my mind as I had a realization that the question itself was a thought. Before I dizzied into an inception (dream in a dream syndrome), I quickly went back to the question. 'Why do people go through situations that demand depression and post traumatic stress?'

What are thoughts?

Thoughts are everything. Thoughts are our reality. They are what make us happy. They are what make us satisfied, angry, sad, joyful. You may have everything that makes life 'ideal' by the book - but what you choose to think of it is the very thing that decides whether you are happy or not.  You may not have what is conventionally perceived as a requisite for happiness and your happiness is still decided by your choice. Often we arrive at a crossroad in life where the things that our our heart's north and the things that are perceived as those that 'generally give us happiness' do not fall in a common space. At that crossroad, we are confused, we are in some kind of search. Maybe a soul-search. Some of us may take the road of what generally is perceived as satisfaction - a well paying job, a family, great vacations, a beautiful house. And this is wonderful - IF it is truly what makes you happy. So it is not the object outside or the person outside who makes you happy. It is a choice and a conscious decision to choose happiness that creates it.

Happiness is an inside job and no one and nothing can do it for you but yourself.

Time is often an important factor in unlearning the damage that society has done to us - the damage by making us believe that love and vulnerability are weaknesses - which is something I hear often but find ridiculous. Open yourself up and be receptive to the best feelings you want to have for yourself - you will receive them.

It isn't so hard to love yourself and want nothing but the best for yourself. Want the best job - create it. Create beautiful relationships around you. Do things you love for yourself - pamper yourself with a massage, get into a regular fitness regime, catch a drink with a friend and speak your heart out. Listen to good music. Dance. Paint. Stand in the snow. Get away to a mountain. Drive to the countryside. Immerse yourself in your work and your purpose. Don't let a minute go by that doesn't serve you.

Why are you in the job that doesn't make you happy ? Start over.

Why do you want people who don't value you ? Remove them from your life.

Why do you want lovers who don't meet you halfway ? Wipe them off the surface of your soul. Decide that you are worthy of true love and deep commitment.

Decide that you are worth friends that love you and add to your joy.

Decide that you deserve a job that makes you function at your best.

'Why do people go through situations that demand depression and post traumatic stress?' 

Everything we experience in life is a choice we make. We choose to notice something. We choose to obsess and imagine and make a story out of it that it probably isn't. Everytime we think of it, we choose it. While it's hard to hear, the extent to which we allow our adversities to take a toll on us is our choice. Circumstances aren't always ideal in life, but whether we choose to press forward and experience what is in store for us is a choice we make. And it is important to be aware that this is a choice. Then we reclaim our power and recognize that we have the option to choose something different - like a good thought that serves us. Thoughts - happy or sad, are both habits. The mind works by telling itself lies. Obsession is a function of the mind - once we recognize this, we begin to set ourselves free of patterns. One thought slowly improves and then the next and the next, and one day you will look back and wish someone had said this to you a long time ago.

Time is crucial in helping us discover our patterns and where we get stuck.

Pain will often make time freeze - but this will pass. Nothing is permanent, not joy, nor sadness. 

This pain will make you worry that people will recognize the pain in your eyes and stay the heck away from you - but that's not true. A small act of kindness will move you, a little joke will crack you up, a small gesture will fill you with gratitude. You will smile, you will laugh and you will feel a joy so deep that it will make all your past happiness and laughter feel shallow. 

Resilience is part decision, part journey. Your part is the decision. The journey will happen. It is certainly the most beautiful thing - for resilience is the road you take when you choose your worth over everything else.

What is love ?

"The whole world can love you, but that love will not make you happy. What will make you happy is the love coming out of you." ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

Love makes us happy, we all think of it to be something - maybe it carries the same meaning for all of us. Maybe not. We'll never know. What I do know is that I truly found myself and the very north that my heart points to when I learned to love who I am. Love yourself for the card you gave someone that put a smile on their face. Love yourself for someone who smiles back at your contagious smile. Don't you see how far you've come, all these years through all those tough times ? Don't you see what a beautiful lover you are ? Don't you see how beautiful you are when you laugh ? Don't you see how lovable you are when you're so immersed in your work ? Don't you see how thoughtful it is of you to call your parents and let them know they always, always have you ?

When you're really busy finding yourself and loving yourself and building a life that you love, making friends you cherish and finding relationships you love, you will not find time for hatred, or for people who indulge in a life of comparison and bothersome things that pull you below your best self.

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it" ~ Rumi

You will find a job that lights up, that makes you want to work, a world around you that you create with friends who lift you higher, when you find a person who's presence makes you as happy as your presence and spirit does to you, you know you're at the right place. This, is your heart's true north - your real worth.

Make a fun checklist of all the things you wish to see come true and decide in your heart this is what you love + want, and it will find you.

You will let things ebb and flow to you, you will not chase them down or compete - you will be a steady ship on calm waters, and you will become an unshakeable powerful force of love and life and an eternal source of joy for people who see the light in you.

Your peace + happiness trumps everything else.

Much love ♥︎

Aarthi

(Photo credits : #1,5 - made by tours truly. #3,4 -Lynda Barry #2-istock)

Beauty is inevitable A.K.A. You don’t realise you’re making memories all the time

Beauty is inevitable A.K.A. You don’t realise you’re making memories all the time

I’m post call. Or pre call. And I’m surprised I’ve time to think. Yet I cannot stop doing the things that make me feel light.

Really, there’s no place as beautiful as New England for autumn and I realize how lucky I am to be here.

Beauty is inevitable.

Always meeting new people, getting out with my camera on a beautiful day, reading, writing, taking long walks and jogs, always remembering there’s a river close by, driving to the countryside and spending hours at dreamy bookstores - and the more I do these things, the more I realize there’s always time to do the things we want to do. And somewhere, I think this is really that period of growth. But must growth always be speckled with some grief or wistfulness ?

You’re having a beautiful day. Suddenly that ghost from your past appears. The one you closed the door on so you could concentrate on people and moments that value you, appears on a friend’s blog comments. That version of you that you see in pictures from a year ago and wonder, that there was real pain after twenty six years of an incessantly happy life, and it all starts and somehow magically ends inside of you. That you can get by and look back in awe at yourself for how far you’ve come. One of my chief resident doctors recently put up a beautiful quote on her cover page by Elizabeth Ros - “The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

I couldn’t agree more.

I look back at the last year and one thought predominates - ‘How the heck did the year go by so fast ? How did I come across so many beautiful people and not realize it? The ones who have known pain, and the ones whose eyes well up when mine do, the ones who know what I know when I tell them what bothers me, the ones who help me grow, the ones who tell me that they know I’ll always get by and emerge beautiful.’

Fall in CT

“I know this is that part of some life lesson growth and it’s going to be a while” I groaned over the phone, to my friend Sanaea. “It’s autumn. It’s so beautiful. I’m doing new things everyday, and I love work for the most part. But I remember my losses sometimes. I remember being so affected by small things that wouldn’t matter to the sensible me. I don't know if I did anything beautiful last year. So many things have changed. Right from moving away from home to starting residency to meeting completely new people, from leaving homeland to being replanted in different soil, from not being around if my parents need me immediately to missing them every moment, it’s all happened so fast. I’m not sure how the gap between the two Septembers passed !”

With my guardian angels

“I’m solemn, moody and I go right from happy to wistful, and excited to reminiscing. Something’s off. It doesn’t always feel as perfect as it should for a single girl who is living her life and making new friends and building new relationships. ” I said to her.

“There are always beautiful memories you make in between. It’s inevitable.” she said. “We may spend the most part of our time obsessing over things that do not matter - we’re only human, we’re only chemicals more than anything else. And yet, I’m sure you made some memories that will make you wonder how you did so much in one year and I am so sure when you dig them up you’ll be surprised how productive it’s been !”

Hmm. She was right. Old photos from last year.

I took my old phone out this afternoon. Conversations with mom, tea with dad, chocolate dessert on my night with my last date before I left India, the phone conversation I had with my friend Imran before I moved and told him how much I’d miss him and Prerana. Though we lived in different states and met once a year.

The street kids to whom I taught English.

With my little angels. We painted while they learned to speak English.

The ones who drew stars in my palm with their sharpies and tied “friendship” bands around my wrist and made me cards with little hearts on them. The ones who hugged me around my knees and shook my legs hard enough to make me use all of my balance to resist falling to the ground. Or the flood-struck Kashmir with its brown eyed, dusty skinned people who were so happy to see a bunch of us volunteer to help out in relief.

The ones who showed me what life and love is really about.

Kashmir. The land that taught me love.

The children whose health I have an active interest in, the ones I someday want to go back home to.

Thuvar, my home town.

Waking up to the Himalayas.

Himalayan mornings.

Extended family that I bonded with. New people I met. Cousins I lived with, talked to at 2 AM over coffee.

The beautiful memories, the home belly dancing lessons for fun. The time I recovered from my fracture in my capoeira lesson and made an amazing new friend who got me out of home the very next day and said I’m too badass to stay off my feet for long. Ha ha.

The evening Kalash took me out to coffee. Post fracture day 1

The time I visited my Principal from school and the moment when she instantly recognized me and was thrilled to have me there reminiscing school years fondly.

With Miss Paul, my school principal

The moment when I noticed the positivity in my beautiful sister, who is now the mother of an 8 month old - when I had doubted myself and was in sheer pain, and she said “You’re made of the same things I am. I am so sure this will pass.”, I think was he moment things turned around.

My amazing sister

The time I spent working on relationships that in hindsight were probably some of my most important lessons which helped me realize that happiness and self worth are the only and only important variables - not people, not ideas, not obsessions, not stereotypes, not movements, not fads but just happiness.

Autumn in New England

I’ve met so many beautiful people. Inside out. And believe me when I say this - they’re all people with smiles so big they could be located on google maps, with kindness, compassion and so much love and tenderness I’d go back to these people over and over again. They’re the people that put a smile on my face. They’re all people I’d put on magazine covers.

While you’re at it making these “inevitably beautiful memories”, don’t forget to stay fit. Work out. Jog. Do yoga. Crunches on the living room floor. Don’t forget to do what you need to and unwind. Don’t forget to eat healthy (and don’t forget to Cheat - have one unhealthy day a fortnight). Don’t forget to concentrate on yourself and your significant other if you have one, and still remember that relationships aren’t all there is to life - make new friends, video chat with someone you love once a week, meet new people from different professions, try a new samba class, drive to the winery (Warning : 1. Don’t drive back drunk, you idiot. That’s really dangerous). You’re always making new memories, everyday. Just make sure you pay attention to it.

Begin anywhere. Don’t forget that you are so beautiful and you need time with “you” more than anyone else does.

Sending love your way and wishing you so much beauty and happiness ♥︎

Aarthi Oct 24 2015

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How it is and how it's supposed to be. A.K.A. Only you know what you really want

I see a lot of people go through the everyday ups and downs of what a relationship should be or trying to make it how it's "supposed" to be. People say individual personalities and differences don't matter if you can stick together and you fell in love with each other once upon a time. I'm afraid I don't believe that anymore.

One of the things that occurred to me recently, is that we as a generation are progressing towards developing strong individual identities. 

There is more emphasis, need, importance attached to individual identity than there ever has been since the birth of the human race. It is a world of "each" person, their individual selves, who they are, what they want from their lives, their choices and desires. We revolve around identities. This need for individual "identities" to be compatible is more than ever, now.

While I truly believe in hardwork and sincerity, I was talking to my close friend Sanaea the other day, about the kind of man I'd want in my life. I've come to understand that we surround ourselves subconsciously with people who are similar to us. Be it friends or lovers. Not to say that our friends are always similar to us - I've friends who are the exact opposite of who I am, and while I enjoy the contrast, I probably would never see myself with someone contrasting. I enjoy surrounding myself with thinkers, writers, adventurers, entrepreneurs, philanthropists and I seek pleasant people who do more and talk less. I told her that it is very likely that this is exactly the kind of man I'll spend my life with. I think eventually we all need to be with someone that matches us on every front, an individual identity, who is a mirror when you are your happy, true, unapologetic self.

Are looks a criterion ? Is the hottest guy the most sought after ? Is the most beautiful girl the most ideal ? Are people thought in a common consensus to be "intelligent", the most attractive ? I don't know the answer to those questions. What I do know though, is that if we've based our choice on the way someone looks, we've already lost the game. I do know that intelligence doesn't always go hand-in-hand with being a good human being. That wanting someone who is motivated and someone who wants a lot from their life is a way is a very reasonable to define beauty, and both she and I were pretty spellbound when I said that to her - she never thought I had this clarity in my life before, and neither did I ! Surprisingly, I realized I don't think about people who are out build their resumès, to prove themselves better than others or are in it to win it or want to be the early bird. I don't believe in men who live by the stress of the race.

My life changed after meeting an interesting man who is not in the same profession as I am, about two months ago, and despite having had the ideas of thinking that ideal person would be in a similar profession, I realized otherwise.

I also learned that beauty is all about being passionate about what one does. I guess wanting someone driven, motivated and someone who wants a lot from their life is a very reasonable way to define beauty.

Life is all about accumulating pieces of yourself in others. You belong in so many places. You belong to so many experiences, to so many people, you are a part of someone's story as they are yours. And each one is a very solid part of deciding who the special one really is.

That special person is always you, and if you seek out someone who makes you feel beautiful, you will always happy.

The other side of everything

I was talking to my sister the other day about the darker side of things - fear. That for the amount of happiness all of us seek and receive, we have an equivalent of fear, discovered or undiscovered.

I wondered why I sometimes write about the deeper, darker things that we tend to run away from over regular glasses of wine, TV and company. She said it's really okay to talk about getting to the other side of dark things – acceptance. In a world where we are made to believe that happiness is the truth, there's some kind of pressure to show everyone our happy moments but what about the not so happy ones? There's pressure to not talk about pain and how to grow through it and find happiness. It made me think further.

The last year saw me through some challenging times when the fear and pain in my life were so overwhelming and real that it surprised me to have never felt anything of that sort before. That time of pain also made me realize how resilient I am and how very wonderful it is when you truly find what it is that makes you happy. We are each in different phases of our lives, but I was astonished at the number of articles, blogs and books that people have written about facing not so pleasant parts of ourselves and I, having been in that phase a while ago, could relate to everything I'm talking about.

In the days of our youth, we were taught the glory of aggression, achievement, believing, aiming for the stars. All the motivational quotes talk about the uphill climb with the happiness of success subconsciously linked with the fear of failure. However, few people told us of the power of acceptance and letting go, which is so closely bound to growth and happiness.

Not too long ago, I grasped the concept of groundlessness. I prepared to step away from the stability that most people including myself live by – conviction, definition, fixed ideas and old patterns. That was when I decided that I wouldn’t let the fear of loss, pain, death, breakups deter me from fully believing that life is truly beautiful, every moment. I decided I wouldn't let newness stop me from going abroad to pursue a residency, uncertainty stop me from living alone, taking my own time to do things stop me from jumping into a fast paced world of Internal Medicine in a competitive program. I would have to start getting real about my intentions to pursue community health someday and actually work towards them. I had been running away all this time - stalling, wondering how long I have to go before I get into a real world of living it out.

Turns out fear is nothing but plain old resistance to accepting things the way they
are. Accept that nothing is certain and things don't need to be certain, dare to live anyway, dare to plan. Dare to face our own shortcomings and look at ourselves exactly for who we are.

Knowing that each one of us deserves to be treated well is the cornerstone to happiness - it is achievable in the presence or absence
of specific circumstances, persons or situations.
Dare to learn that each and every one of us is phenomenal and wonderful the way we are.
Dare to accept that like and dislike are all in the mind - and more energy spent on what we like is energy well spent.
Dare to have a good career and start laying the foundation for dreams that may need a hundred years to come true, because even if we cannot follow it through, someone will relay from where we trail off.

Happiness is right here. Wherever we are. Neil Degrasse Tyson, the American astrophysicist, often talks about how great things like love,
fulfillment and happiness come from genuine “presence” in the moment, and the acceptance that everything good or bad, is self-generated. It took me a long time to realise how true this is.

Finding happiness lies in reaction versus response. Nothing has the power to affect us, when we don’t react to it. As human beings, this is a tough measure to take - to not react. To not react takes a lot of insight and growth - and this is very different from 'not showing' a reaction. We are juicy, impulsive, hormonal, social animals designed to interact and react – we thrive on action and reaction. We react to a family member who didn’t live up to our expectations. We react to a situation where a dear one is ill, where instead of calming our
nerves and accepting that we have no control, we find someone to blame and connect dots the wrong way.
We react to a friend who doesn’t make time, little realizing that we are equally guilty of doing the same at some point.
We react to friends, lovers, family members, exes, colleagues - every day. We react by hanging on, we react by telling ourselves that something is more important than our happiness and worthiness, when it isn't so.

We are so ingrained into how the world works, into making others believe that we have an awesome life, thinking that we have a point to prove and a statement to make consciously or subconsciously that somewhere along the line, many of us lose track of where our happiness stands.

We are worried about earning our money and making sure we go on all our vacations before we die. We make sure we never "miss out" on something - we react to fear of time running out. While it's true that we don't know the next moment, I've come to believe that happiness like they say though not a sustained entity, is attainable when you live every day as though you were going to live forever. When you don't have a finish line. So what if you didn't see the Machu Picchu ? So what if the bucket list goes to hell ? So what if you didn't go to Bali ? Learn to say "b*lls" to bucket lists. Do what you want to do - whether it's work or sitting at home watching TV or making Kombucha or learning the salsa, dating new people or traveling till the end of time.

We make up these finish lines, lists, though strangely even if you did live to be a hundred years old, you still couldn't do all the things you wanted to and read all the books you would want to read.

We close ourselves to fear and pain, build tall walls and continue to run. We are worried about how we look, we are worried too much about the past and live our lives trying to change what 'was'.

What I keep asking myself to unlearn, from time to time, to stay accepting of the reality is, 'What is it that I can change around me? What is it I'm not accepting? Do I know to let go of the things I cannot change?'

Is it losing someone or abjection that is scary?
Or is it insecurity or uncertainty?

Somewhere as you go on the runs, the evenings out with your friends, the nights you spend under the stars, the people you love, you will start asking questions and even better, you will find the answers. You will peace out, go through good and bad days alike, learn to appreciate and spend time with people who love you and tell you how beautiful you really are. You will learn that there is so much happiness in simple things - a kiss under the moonlight, a drive to the beach, holding a child's hand and walking with them.

As you get in touch with your own worthiness, you will understand and respect the worth of another. You will use every moment to better someone’s life as you do your own.You will feel boundless happiness for every smile you put on someone's face, every day that a sick patient lives or improves under your care, or when someone gets a promotion because you recommended them, for every woman that holds her newborn in her arms. You will feel deeply for every loss, you will be inspired to do more for someone who is less fortunate than you. The same things that break you will build you. As you crumble, you will gain form.

You will start reaching out to people who have been in your shoes and are seeing the pain that you have seen - in all of this amazing mess, you will start spending a lot of time doing the things you love, things that interest you.

You will become stronger, bolder and fearless. You will learn to let go and take life one day at a time.

Just as you stop reacting impulsively and start responding to situations in your best interest, you will find happiness - the other side. In the midst of a jog or the softness of your pillow as you drift off to sleep or on a night out with someone special. You will enjoy a pedicure or a bowl of popcorn over back-to-back episodes of The Big Bang Theory.

Even as you feel queasy about the next busy call night you will know that hard work and satisfaction, fear and happiness, frustration and creation are two sides of the same coin.

You will know that it's okay to complain about what you love. Likewise, it's okay to let your happiness be contagious. It won’t matter that the assignment is due in two days - you will pay with dark circles but you will do it anyway. You will autopilot.

You will respond to life every moment and fall in love with what you do. You will learn to give much love and not regret it.

Just as you stop trying to understand and analyze, as you start to accept your fears for yourself and see where they arise from, they will turn around and give you strength and joy beyond what you could ever imagine. And you will be you again.

Live the simple life : The Devil wears Prada (aka, what do you pack when you relocate?)

So, residency ! The words resounded in my mind. I'd seen all my seniors and colleagues here. Feverish, sweating it out, studying, going craaaaazy. But here it was ! Finally.

It's never the end of the road in this career. Just when there's an end, there's another beginning.

I couldn't help but think 'I saw myself here. I saw myself here when I worked those nights and thought it would never happen, when everybody told me it was tough. When I thought about how I would have to somehow manage a good score.
When would those exams end?
Where could I go?'

I feel people underestimate the value of a dream. I really feel that way. I think people should be allowed to savor the fruits of their dream for a while. It is what sets forth the desire for new aspirations and new joys.

Internal medicine, I'd always wanted. In a university hospital. Now here it was. Overwhelming me with its simple presence, just like that, like a happy bird on my shoulder. And yet I knew I'd worked for it. All those nights I sat and read and highlighted and reread and gone for this dream, repeating cups of tea, wearing myself into a thin, pale version of me with dark circles, acne, when I looked uncared for, just reading, having a zero social life. What would it be worth, when I don't know where I'd end up ?

All of this. Today.

I'm here. This exciting, scary moment, when the dream hasn't even begun yet. When I've hope that all goes well, and I'm prepared for almost anything. The real hardwork, the exciting part, the craziness hasn't even begun.

This morning, as I got yet another pre employment check done at the hospital I'd worked in previously, I met my mentor.

She is a big buff in oncology, a good woman. Someone I have a love/sometimes-warm-sometimes-wanting-to-run-away-from/admiration/scare relationship with. Someone I'd like to professionally resemble in honesty, administrative knack and practice.
'Take the good parts' the Dalai Lama often says in his speeches. Take the good parts.
She handed me a copy of 'The Emperor of All Maladies - A biography of Cancer' by Siddhartha Mukherjee.

She was in a red cotton saree. So typical. Dr. K, the intimidating head of medical oncology in her cotton saree, and the pleated fall of the fabric over her shoulder falling over so nonchalantly, just like the way she walks and talks. Without a care in the world.

"I want you to read this", she said, looking at me warmly. Warmly ??? I thought. When I think of her I think of hot coffee/iceberg. I imagine her drinking her coffee in slow, laid-back style in her cup and saucer, and a few minutes later, the cup and saucer flying out of her room, because the patient files took too long to arrive.

"You will relate. You will grow, and you will understand so many things that I related to when I read this book", she continued. "You will enjoy Connecticut. It's a beauuuutiful state !", she drawled. "I studied in Connecticut. It's where I did my fellowship in Oncology in the seventies. You will love New Hampshire and Vermont. And the fall is so, so beautiful. Aarthi this is all you'll ever want, trust me."

Suddenly I felt like Andrea Sachs sitting in front of the Miranda Priestly from The Devil wears Prada.
Here she was, talking to me, making every hair on the back of my neck stand. I wanted to belong, all my life to a dream. I knew that inspiration was on to me. I could become anything. 'I AM wet cement', I thought, and it's my call, now !

'Fellowship in oncology. Hmm. History repeats itself..have you heard about that ?' a statement in my mind quietly crept in.
'Shut up' I quipped back to it, 'I don't know if I want oncology, and I'll never ever want administration. I haven't even Started MD ! Quit counting chickens already ! ', shocked at where that even came from.
'Oh, you know it you little devil, you.'
'I DONT !!!!! I have no plans. I am passionate about community health. I'm too peaceful and calm a person to want something so big. Maybe I'll ale up endocrinology because I love it. I want a slow, small life. Maybe I'll get into primary care. The future is unwritten', I fought back.
'That's the best part. You'll figure. But small life ? You ? Ha ! Haha !'
'WTF !'

Crazy. Two halves of my mind were conversing with each other, one taunting another, while Dr.K painted pictures of the fall and the snow at Hartford in my imagination with her words.

(photo credit : Facebook.com)

I loved and hated it that I had dreams. Dreams that might flower and dreams that might not. But I had the freedom to dream. Not dream about my life tied to anybody else's.
But the real dream !!! Of being somewhere beautiful and the opportunity to do something phenomenal ! Of realizing my own worth, for myself. All these amazing physicians I've met and adored, whose knowledge, careers and experience I'd looked at with thirsty eyes, didn't just get there like that. They'd had big dreams, studied at wonderful places and really worked their asses off. Of course, they did !

"So you leave in three days. How are you spending your time ?" she asked.

"Packing my bags. Paperwork. Staying up nights. Writing. Reading. Behaving like it's the end and the beginning of the world at the same time. My room is chaos. One moment I'm thrilled and the next, I'm going nuts. It isn't what it's drawn out to be. I am not partying with my friends, I have no farewell, there are no glamorous selfies on Facebook, no phenomenal status updates, and when I look around, it's just so unlike a typical send off. Even my mother is in another country right now", I said, almost panicking at the number of things I had bottled up.

"It always is that way, Aarthi. Keep busy, do your own thing. When I went there in the seventies, I didn't even know how to bear the seatbelt on the airplane. It was my first flight ever. I was just packed off to a place with no Indian food in those years by my ambitious parents. Hardcore Gujarati girl that I was, I didn't have too many options, specially with food. I had 108 US dollars with me. That was it. I packed a few things here and there and just took off."

What do you pack anyway when you're taking your whole life to another country ? Have you ever asked yourself this ? What can one pack ? Mementos ? Cards ? A house ? A whole life ? What is it that I won't find there ? I mean people live there too. Very happily. How do I even know what the limit is ? I could pack the whole house and this and that. There's no end to wanting.

(photo credit : Facebook.com)

What do I take with me ?

 "Take with you what you won't find there." she continued.

"Which I might figure once I actually get there and miss it" I responded.

We laughed.

What does one take to a new country anyway ?
Cosmetics ? Kitchenware ? Indian clothes ? Indian stuff ? Photographs ? Memories ?

Clothes ?

Clothes ???
Never mind. The Devil wears Prada.
'Oh ! what happened to the simple life, missy?'

And so it goes on.


-Aarthi

When what you never imagined, happens (How to take a bad break up / let it go)

Human relationships are so complex. And yet so simple. They can blossom with a word and be broken by another.

Even when there's a big hoo-ha about all the positivity and the goodness in the world, I find myself talking about the complexities. The sad stuff, sometimes the negative stuff. Some of my posts talk about how to deal with challenging situations, with difficulty, and still motivate us to move on. They talk about letting go of difficult relationships, moving on from breakups.
I was mulling over why I'm focusing on the not-so-flowery stuff in my writing when my sis told me that it's actually alright to talk about how to get to the other side of sorrow. Across.

Hmm.
We all experience it.
We deal with it by avoiding it and occupying ourselves with work and/or (unfortunately for some-) addiction.
Or by sinking into its depth and becoming incapable of being happy, but never really experiencing, learning and getting out of it.

Some of us are so unknowingly wounded by these demanding situations that we never grow out of it.
It becomes a painful part of our personality, changing the way we perceive relationships, marriages and love for the worse, when infact, everyone deserves the happiness of new love and new lovers.

Experiencing a personally challenging journey is adventurous. It prepares you for the best, because experience is such a good thing. Good and bad experiences both, count.

It's okay to make that mistake. 
It's really okay to be in a break up. A bad one. They happen all the time. It's okay to be in a relationship that falls apart, and have all your plans fail and just fall. Flat out on your face. Because nothing is more liberating than accepting that it's over and moving on.
It's okay to know what it's like to feel pain and heartbreak, and admit to it. You don't need to pretend like it didn't touch you, or you were the lesser hurt one out of the two. It's really okay if you don't have it together all the time. Many people do not know how to let their emotions out healthily. Crying, falling apart and arguing are absolutely healthy ways of letting out negative emotion, and it must come out because it exists. After all, where can a river flow from if there's no water at the source, and why should it stop flowing if there is ?

What people say or think, worries us.
On so many occasions.
If they say it's okay to laugh, smile and be happy, then you should be asking those people why they spurn so much at you when you don't have it together. Why do they pressure you so much to get a grip ?
The truth is, it doesn't matter. They don't matter. Those people who tell you how you should be, what your problem is, they don't even matter.

(picture credit : weheartit.com)

What really matters is you.
Your personal growth through a difficult situation is so, so important. You are you, and you have all the right to deal with your emotions the way you see fit for your betterment.
Don't be okay with people who take your feelings for granted, and at the same time don't regret it when things don't go your way. That, will make you a stronger person who will be with someone as complete and sorted as you are, and more capable of loving you and seeing the lovely person that you are. After all, they have to be and feel like they are worthy of your wonderful love too. Remember that.

It is impossible that only one person, a single situation or circumstance could make us happy, or be the love of our lives.
Babe, you're mortal. There must be many more ways, and there are. Know that if one road hasn't worked out for any reason, the other door that has always been open has been waiting for you and calling out to you. Just make sure your eyes are open to see that road that waited for you to turn up, so you could give it your first chance.

I've been in these shoes.
As much as I've experienced the beauty of being in love, doing and receiving nice things from the men I've been with, I really do know what it's like to be sad in it, to cry, to feel hurt, to feel let down, to have my expectations crash and be let go of, nowhere, on the middle of the road. I know how a bad, bad break up with someone you love feels. Awful.

As a teenager, I was in a bad break up. I didn't know if I'd ever be the same again, but I remember just distracting my way out of it. I went out with friends, watched movies, went dancing, took walks everyday, worked on my fitness and I was back to my happy self in no time. Yep, I was low and it felt like it would never end. But that's never the story.
It's all a matter of time before you realize your worth.

(Picture credit : simpleremiders.com)

I know, it doesn't feel alright, when what you're sharing with someone special is watered down to a "nothing" of sorts by someone who isn't prepared to take on the responsibility of what they got into. That's their choice.

Your choice is to let it go.
Your choice is NOT anger or resentment or hatred. Let it go. Just accepting that it's over makes it so so easy. (trust me on this one)

(Picture credit : Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love)

Just have plain love for yourself. I know, this sounds so, so irritating and wrong and impossible right now. But decide and know, that you were always worth the best and you need not ever settle for less. Your priority is you. It's just about peacefully letting go and finding your life back. It's really a part of the growth curve. The situations you attract into your life are always for your betterment if you seek them out.

You are not required to go about like everyone else, testing the waters and absolutely being sure that the other person is more invested than you, just so you feel safe and in control.
You are not required to play defensive and try to control a new relationship by being unwilling to invest emotions, just because your last relationship didn't go right.
Don't jump into a fling. Don't do any of these things. Just concentrate on yourself right now. You need yourself, your identity and your happiness.

You're very very precious, darling, and fully deserving of love as all human beings are, and when you build your walls to every new person and experience, you're only blocking out the good that is coming to you. Don't ever avoid a situation to feel good, you just get in again, but wiser, and more learned with the next new person. The correct relationship will respect you and give you what you deserve.

Eat well. Get some protein. Have fruit, plenty of water, get sunshine, exercise and rest. Go to a spa, get a pedicure or a foot rub. Dress well. Go out on walks. Make tea, make coffee. Read comic books. Talk to someone. Breathe. It's not the end, is it ? Look around you !

Human relationships are volatile. They require effort to stay grounded. Now it also matters that the other person makes that effort, not just you.
Be grounded. Be your own rock. Let go of the people who cannot love you the way you are. Open your palm, let go of them with peace. Take your passions along with you and in no time, you'll have your kickass life and the happiness you want. Just because you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It exists and believe me, I've seen it so recently, and it's very easy if you trust it. You'll be there before you know it, and you've my promise.

Take therapy.
For those that do not stay around family or have friends close by, go see a counselor. It isn't glamourous, but this is so, so essential if you want to talk to someone and your family and friends aren't enough. It is not crazy, it's not weird. Everyone goes through stuff, and the idea is to get you back on solid ground, doesn't matter how.

I'm not joking about this for one second.

If you really, really need help and you feel like talking to someone or sharing how you feel with someone, you think you cannot find that help elsewhere, email me.

I mean it. Just click on the link and share with me whatever it is that bothers you about the breakup. I'm here to listen. And I will, I promise.

Much, much love and wishing you healing !

Aarthi