You're friends with someone. For years. What happens when friends fall in love with each other ?
You've known her for years. She's a friend of a friend you became good friends with, the girl you've always wanted to get closer to.
He's the guy you've always wondered what it would be like to be in love with. You know there's familiarity in his arms, but you never tried or gave it a thought, till now.
She dated other people. He dated other people. You had your friendship going.
You spoke to him from time to time. You love the way he thinks.
You love her pictures, they make you smile. You love how she tells you little things about her life.
An occasional thought crossed your mind "He's a nice guy, but..." But, so many things.
But he has different plans, our futures are different. But he probably likes someone. But we probably don't want similar things; are all the thoughts that go through your mind.
You've felt too unprepared o think of a future. Too young. A fleeting thought, one that makes you jump, crosses your mind. "She's wonderful. I wonder what it would be like to have a family with her. But..." The question never arose as to how. But she probably likes someone more available and closer. But maybe her goals are different and we are different people; are all the thoughts your mind throws at you.
The thought still made you jump.
What happens when friends fall in love with each other ? I don't know.
Right from Don Miguel Ruiz who says "Your mind is dreaming all the time, whether you are awake or asleep and that's all the mind does." to Paulo Coelho who says "And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.", we live on the "edge of desire" like John Mayer sings. We live in the midst of the swing of a pendulum. Sometimes on the edge, sometimes smack in the middle of it. Contrasting ideas, wise people. Miguel Ruiz and Paulo Coelho state their own truths in very different words and ways, to convey how very uncertain life is.
What happens when you get deeper insight into uncertainty ? What happens when you become vulnerable ? What happens when you love, when you are uncertain about the outcome ?
What I do know is that the certainty of a concrete, existing relationship of any kind might as well be replaced with the uncertainty of a relationship that isn't quite one. We think certainty and uncertainty are at opposite ends of the spectrum, but they are not. There is quite an overlap and coexistence between the two. Certainty is what try to we create - it's against the current. Uncertainty on the other hand, is something we all must get used to. We change with the minute, the moment. We create relationships. We give those relationships meanings. We draw a future in our minds with if's and then's. We end relationships. We create new ones.
I know I fell in love a few years ago and it was with a guy who loved me a lot. A friend of mine saw my picture with him from my final year in med school and said to me that he saw "love" in my eyes, in my smile. I smiled, because I knew it was true. I was in love with life, with myself, with my boyfriend. We called it a relationship. We were together for four years and spoke about a future. We traveled together, we studied together, we went to college together, started a non-profit together, listened to music, enjoyed similar interests, and it was beautiful. It was certain that we spoke about a future, but it came apart over a seemingly short span of time.
Were we scared ? What scared us ? Commitment ? The lack of it ? Youth ? Expectations ? Or the lack thereof ? Did we grow apart ? Did we want similar things before and different things now ? I could never figure. This wasn't heartbreak for me. I moved on from this relationship.
The real heartbreak came when I fell in love with someone who wasn't sure about anything - his life, his present, his future or his feelings. I allowed myself to be in a relationship that made me feel a total loss of value for myself. We only experience what we allow ourselves to experience, and the mind is pretty good at telling itself lies about a hundred reasons you should be stuck in a relationship that fails to serve you. I never realized till recently that there would come a day when I could objectively talk about it.
This experience in my life was so important, because it taught me everything I know about love and myself. I learned that we have been taught to feel ashamed of vulnerability. We recognize the feeling of vulnerability here - being the one to declare love, as a weakness. We refuse to own it, we feel pain when we talk about the sense of loss in uncertainty we felt or a lack of what we perceive as reciprocation. We refuse to own it, not because it defines us - but because we let it define us, we let it define our worth. We disown parts of us that remind us of our vulnerability, little realizing that powerlessness lies in denial of our story. My friends have asked me if ever we can get over longing and heartbreak - the way I see it, 'longing' can in these situations, prolong suffering and prevent us from wholly starting our lives with something new and beautiful. While it's true that rejection can hurt, I will tell you for sure something that is the absolute truth and not a consolation of any kind - it is really not so much a loss for you as you think it might be. When you value yourself you will do whatever it takes to find your power back and be happy again, by the time you have learned what you need to learn about yourself and get to being a very valuable, happy version of yourself, you will not want that person anymore. Chances are, you may never want them again. We always want a reflection of what's going on inside us - and if it's worth and value we feel inside, then that's we seek and find. If didn't receive those in a relationship with someone, it's unlikely that we feel attracted to that person anymore when we recover our sense of worthiness and belonging. It's ironic but it's the hard truth, and I can testify to this.
After much insight into my own reactions and emotions, and plenty of reading and reflecting on my own relationships, I realized that certainty and uncertainty overlap tremendously; that time is a factor in everything, that the only thing differentiating between them is our perspective.
What had seemed certain in my life at one point ended, and a fairly uncertain relationship made me gravitate with certainty and clarity towards things I wanted to see in my life partner - a rooted person, someone who works hard and sees the little joys of life, who wants a lot from their life, someone who is honest, intelligent, who believes they are worthy of love and belonging. I recognized that these are the qualities I love in myself and hence they are the very qualities I would also love in the opposite person. Heartbreak brings earth shattering reality and clarity to our minds and hearts and gives birth to us as a fresh blossom.
What love will turn out to be, is unpredictable. It is a different experience for each one of us and try as we may, we can never know the experience of another, we can only know our own. What it is therefore, is perspective.
What changes when friends fall in love with each other ? Perspective. Perspective changes expectations, behavior, feelings toward ourselves. And what you perceived with an objective mind and heart when you were just friends, you now see through rose-tinted glasses. To begin with, it's never them, it's you.
What I also know is that I can fall in love again. Bigger and deeper. With the wisdom that it is okay to love and let be. The certainty of a "relationship" cannot be guaranteed and the uncertainty of what isn't a "relationship" cannot be guaranteed.
Uncertainty, change, keeping our hearts open, wanting to give someone our love - these are inevitable once you blossom. These feelings are what vulnerability is made of. And as Brene Brown beautifully writes, this vulnerability is the birthplace for love, happiness, belonging, creativity, human connection, potential relationships. It is also the birthplace for fears, shame, confusion, questioning, doubt. I wouldn't bet by certainty, but I would boldly say that if you can learn to live happily and lean into that uncertainty, you will inevitably end up with joy and love.
Vulnerability in love is a lot of yin and yang. You risk not having reciprocation, but you also have a big, beautiful chance at the experience of love and human connection.
Now for the really, really beautiful part.
It might happen with someone you just met. With a stranger. And what's scary is, it might happen with someone you've known for a long time - with a friend. What happens when friends fall in love with each other ? I don't know.
I'm a sucker for all things magic. I will tell you that rum in your coffee is crazy but it tastes great. I will tell you that you do infact receive what you truly believe in, provided it serves your higher good. I think love is scary, but I also think it's phenomenal - I wish you experience all of the beauty that life has to offer.
Much love + many hugs ♥︎
Aarthi
You've known her for years. She's a friend of a friend you became good friends with, the girl you've always wanted to get closer to.
He's the guy you've always wondered what it would be like to be in love with. You know there's familiarity in his arms, but you never tried or gave it a thought, till now.
She dated other people. He dated other people. You had your friendship going.
You spoke to him from time to time. You love the way he thinks.
You love her pictures, they make you smile. You love how she tells you little things about her life.
An occasional thought crossed your mind "He's a nice guy, but..." But, so many things.
But he has different plans, our futures are different. But he probably likes someone. But we probably don't want similar things; are all the thoughts that go through your mind.
You've felt too unprepared o think of a future. Too young. A fleeting thought, one that makes you jump, crosses your mind. "She's wonderful. I wonder what it would be like to have a family with her. But..." The question never arose as to how. But she probably likes someone more available and closer. But maybe her goals are different and we are different people; are all the thoughts your mind throws at you.
The thought still made you jump.
What happens when friends fall in love with each other ? I don't know.
Right from Don Miguel Ruiz who says "Your mind is dreaming all the time, whether you are awake or asleep and that's all the mind does." to Paulo Coelho who says "And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.", we live on the "edge of desire" like John Mayer sings. We live in the midst of the swing of a pendulum. Sometimes on the edge, sometimes smack in the middle of it. Contrasting ideas, wise people. Miguel Ruiz and Paulo Coelho state their own truths in very different words and ways, to convey how very uncertain life is.
 |
| Ideas and illustrations by yours truly |
What happens when you get deeper insight into uncertainty ? What happens when you become vulnerable ? What happens when you love, when you are uncertain about the outcome ?
What I do know is that the certainty of a concrete, existing relationship of any kind might as well be replaced with the uncertainty of a relationship that isn't quite one. We think certainty and uncertainty are at opposite ends of the spectrum, but they are not. There is quite an overlap and coexistence between the two. Certainty is what try to we create - it's against the current. Uncertainty on the other hand, is something we all must get used to. We change with the minute, the moment. We create relationships. We give those relationships meanings. We draw a future in our minds with if's and then's. We end relationships. We create new ones.
I know I fell in love a few years ago and it was with a guy who loved me a lot. A friend of mine saw my picture with him from my final year in med school and said to me that he saw "love" in my eyes, in my smile. I smiled, because I knew it was true. I was in love with life, with myself, with my boyfriend. We called it a relationship. We were together for four years and spoke about a future. We traveled together, we studied together, we went to college together, started a non-profit together, listened to music, enjoyed similar interests, and it was beautiful. It was certain that we spoke about a future, but it came apart over a seemingly short span of time.
Were we scared ? What scared us ? Commitment ? The lack of it ? Youth ? Expectations ? Or the lack thereof ? Did we grow apart ? Did we want similar things before and different things now ? I could never figure. This wasn't heartbreak for me. I moved on from this relationship.
 |
| Ideas and illustrations by yours truly |
The real heartbreak came when I fell in love with someone who wasn't sure about anything - his life, his present, his future or his feelings. I allowed myself to be in a relationship that made me feel a total loss of value for myself. We only experience what we allow ourselves to experience, and the mind is pretty good at telling itself lies about a hundred reasons you should be stuck in a relationship that fails to serve you. I never realized till recently that there would come a day when I could objectively talk about it.
This experience in my life was so important, because it taught me everything I know about love and myself. I learned that we have been taught to feel ashamed of vulnerability. We recognize the feeling of vulnerability here - being the one to declare love, as a weakness. We refuse to own it, we feel pain when we talk about the sense of loss in uncertainty we felt or a lack of what we perceive as reciprocation. We refuse to own it, not because it defines us - but because we let it define us, we let it define our worth. We disown parts of us that remind us of our vulnerability, little realizing that powerlessness lies in denial of our story. My friends have asked me if ever we can get over longing and heartbreak - the way I see it, 'longing' can in these situations, prolong suffering and prevent us from wholly starting our lives with something new and beautiful. While it's true that rejection can hurt, I will tell you for sure something that is the absolute truth and not a consolation of any kind - it is really not so much a loss for you as you think it might be. When you value yourself you will do whatever it takes to find your power back and be happy again, by the time you have learned what you need to learn about yourself and get to being a very valuable, happy version of yourself, you will not want that person anymore. Chances are, you may never want them again. We always want a reflection of what's going on inside us - and if it's worth and value we feel inside, then that's we seek and find. If didn't receive those in a relationship with someone, it's unlikely that we feel attracted to that person anymore when we recover our sense of worthiness and belonging. It's ironic but it's the hard truth, and I can testify to this.
After much insight into my own reactions and emotions, and plenty of reading and reflecting on my own relationships, I realized that certainty and uncertainty overlap tremendously; that time is a factor in everything, that the only thing differentiating between them is our perspective.
 |
| Ideas and illustrations by yours truly |
What had seemed certain in my life at one point ended, and a fairly uncertain relationship made me gravitate with certainty and clarity towards things I wanted to see in my life partner - a rooted person, someone who works hard and sees the little joys of life, who wants a lot from their life, someone who is honest, intelligent, who believes they are worthy of love and belonging. I recognized that these are the qualities I love in myself and hence they are the very qualities I would also love in the opposite person. Heartbreak brings earth shattering reality and clarity to our minds and hearts and gives birth to us as a fresh blossom.
What love will turn out to be, is unpredictable. It is a different experience for each one of us and try as we may, we can never know the experience of another, we can only know our own. What it is therefore, is perspective.
What changes when friends fall in love with each other ? Perspective. Perspective changes expectations, behavior, feelings toward ourselves. And what you perceived with an objective mind and heart when you were just friends, you now see through rose-tinted glasses. To begin with, it's never them, it's you.
What I also know is that I can fall in love again. Bigger and deeper. With the wisdom that it is okay to love and let be. The certainty of a "relationship" cannot be guaranteed and the uncertainty of what isn't a "relationship" cannot be guaranteed.
Uncertainty, change, keeping our hearts open, wanting to give someone our love - these are inevitable once you blossom. These feelings are what vulnerability is made of. And as Brene Brown beautifully writes, this vulnerability is the birthplace for love, happiness, belonging, creativity, human connection, potential relationships. It is also the birthplace for fears, shame, confusion, questioning, doubt. I wouldn't bet by certainty, but I would boldly say that if you can learn to live happily and lean into that uncertainty, you will inevitably end up with joy and love.
Vulnerability in love is a lot of yin and yang. You risk not having reciprocation, but you also have a big, beautiful chance at the experience of love and human connection.
Now for the really, really beautiful part.
I can tell you that someday you may discover this sense of Koi no yokan. I recently came across this Japanese term, which really has no good substitute in English but I can tell you that it's a familiar instinct, an inner knowing.
I'm a sucker for all things magic. I will tell you that rum in your coffee is crazy but it tastes great. I will tell you that you do infact receive what you truly believe in, provided it serves your higher good. I think love is scary, but I also think it's phenomenal - I wish you experience all of the beauty that life has to offer.
Much love + many hugs ♥︎
Aarthi
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